Speaking Moronic

Mike Hotchkiss – Nov 1, 2016

There are many professions that require verbal interaction. There are times where this is a pleasant experience and times when it is extremely awkward.  The issue becomes thus if the person you are engaging sings from a different songbook – typically of his or her own making. Now it’s time to find out why. There are many reasons, most of them are not positive reflections on the person with a bad choice in music, but try to find out anyway.  They may be engrained deeply in a singular notion; they may be trained like Pavlov’s dog to have a certain reaction to a topic, or they simply could be a Moron.

As a cynical bastard myself, I may be more inclined to categorize someone as Moron quicker than others, but that is my cross to bear. No matter, we all have a moron meter and it is our own peccadilloes that define the red line on the meter. It is incumbent on anyone to resist the knee-jerk reaction to blurt out some sarcastic turn of phrase directed at the moron being engaged.

One very simple yet effective tactic is the preemptive statement to limit the length of the encounter to as few exchanges as possible. This could be something as a statement like: “I really wish we had more time to chat, but I have to pick up my pet armadillo at the Fab Shop. He’s getting his back shot blasted to clean him up! Or, “I have infectious toe cheese!” If this does not illicit a response, or perhaps, even better, gets the dumbstruck look, you know there are only one or two sentences left to endure. However, proclamations like these will more likely elicit a non-reaction because Morons don’t pay attention.

To wit, an added factor to dealing with Morons is that most tend to be really bad listeners and prefer to hear themselves talk. A complication to this, even if you are artful at getting a word in edgewise, is no “excuse me” or “pardon the interruption” will be acknowledged by a true Moron. Until the Android geek/Python programmers develop an app that triggers the nearest fire alarm to go off spontaneously, you’ll be stuck evaluating fantasy league trade scenarios in your head until the Moron loses his thought train or decides to shut the fuck up for no reason to make your escape. If you are a true pro like me, you can apply the “shock” tactic. This requires you to have the ability to conjure up a spontaneous, full-spray sneeze, bullfrog belch or an uncomfortable sounding flatch. In uber-extreme situations, the two fingers to the lips, convulsing dry heave can be employed.

The point of all this is that you can’t stop a Moron from speaking moronic much like you stop a mute from not speaking. If you’re effective at handling morons, you could write this blog post during an encounter with one. I did.


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